Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I'm to old for this....
Today is going to be one of those days...
I thought when you raised your kids,they married ,and had kids.You would sit back and admire your grandkids...I was wrong.I never thought that the anger and depression that my daughter developed after the birth of her first child was really the first signs of a much worse problem.
I did know she wasn't ready to be a mother(age 19). She still wanted to run around with girlfriends and stay out all night.She married 4 days after her 18/th birthday(because i wouldn't sign for her 2 wks after she met him). Then she decided she wanted a baby.She got pregnant right away,and lost a set of twins when she was 3 months along.
Thes told her to wait before trying again,she didn't.8 months later she filed for divorce,2 monthes later she had Jon.It started out ok,but her and Jon could not bond.
At a month old I'd come in from work( I worked 2nd shift)I would get a screaming baby shoved at me,and a crying daughter would tell me' i'm going out". Sometimes she would come home before I had to go to work the next day,sometimes not.No surprise to me,Jon and I bonded.
My daughter spent less and less time at home,and Jon and I grew closer and closer.During this time it was a scramble to find a sitter if Tammy didn't come home, but we survived.It was during this time we became aware that she was using drugs,and was living with a man that was to become the father to 2 of her children.As long as we gave her money or whatever she wanted,she would stay away.If we refused,she would take Jon.He was the one getting hurt,he would cry till she brought him back.i'm not going into details but we filed a custody suit and won over a 2 yr period.
There are a lot of things people don't know about crystal meth,one is it causes permenant brain damage.It causes the lining around the brain to become thin,and it can't be fixed.It also causes what would be minor chemical imbalances to become major ones.That can't be fixed either.One knock on the head can become fatal,one bump can cause the lining around your brain to split.
Medication can help with mood swings or depressionTammy has become bypolar schicophrenic.
Even though she hasn't used drugs in over 5 yrs,the results are still with us.She can't stand crowds,driving scares her to death,she has panic attaches anywhere anytime.She can't work in public anymore.She has no control of her self and can't control her kids.She feels guilty because she can't take care of her kids,which makes her give in to them for the wrong things.(what little money she has would be spent on them and not pay her bills).She had to move away from here or she would be back on drugs..her so called friends are in very bad shape,some have died.She knew she had to leave and say gone,if she wanted to survive.She has no will-power she can't say know to anything.the friends she has now try to help her,shes 100miles away from here.She has a boyfriend in the same shape she is.But they are making it somehow.
Luci our granddaughter now is staying with us,we won't take custody away from Tammy,but we will do our best for Luci.She is happy here and likes being in a routine.Luci is very smart for her age,she has a hearing problem we are working on.
Now to what I was posting about...I took Luci for testing today for preschool. I think after watching all those kids run around....I'm getting too old to do this again.Till i look at Lucis shining eyes and her smile,and I know i'll do whatever it takes to keep Luci's and Jon's eyes smiling.
I love you kids. Mom